Creating a wedding budget is stressful. Finances and money can be a sensitive and stressful subject for many individuals. More and more couples are opting to pay and fund their wedding independently. This often means when it comes to decision making, the couple is the decision maker with primary control of the planning. Some couples discuss with their families on contributing, or some parents may choose to fund the wedding fully as a wedding gift or due to tradition. If this is your situation, the planning may now have an additional, tricker element. Let’s work to navigate this situation and talk about how to make it a pleasant one. 

We’ve all heard the saying, if you marry me, you’re marrying my parents. Parents and in-laws often contribute financially to couples. It is truly a wonderful and thoughtful gift. Many parents and in-laws choose to contribute to show their support and help their children start their new life without stress or debt. But, when it comes to outside contributions, it is vital to avoid any power struggles. Some parents or in-laws may want to make decisions with the planning process or take control entirely. To ensure that the planning process and relationships remain positive, it is important to have crucial conversations during budget creation. Creating open conversations about financial contributions is essential. It is also important to hold these conversations in person, if possible. If you are unable to hold these conversations in person, be sure to have a face-to-face conversation on Zoom or FaceTime. Having a conversation face to face will decrease any additional interpretations such as tone. You’ll be able to see each other’s facial expressions and body language to ensure that everyone is being heard and that there will be no problems down the road. 

Once you’ve scheduled that face-to-face meeting, the biggest question is to ask your families how involved in the planning process your parents or in-laws would like to be. By asking them this major question, it decreases any interpretations, or “I wish they would of…” statements down the road. Do not leave anything up to interpretation and get these conversations out of the way explicitly. Be sure to mark which individuals are paying for items or areas of the budget and discuss amounts and deadlines. Now, one big thing to keep in mind, with any sum of money, is to kindly ask rather than tell them what you need. Try phrasing questions to, “What would you feel comfortable contributing?” or “Are you able to help us with the cost of the wedding,” rather than “You can do ______.” This creates a line of open communication and allows the contributors to feel like there is no expectation on what and how to financially contribute. You will also want to determine what their specific budget or monetary contribution they have in mind, but stray away from making your loved ones feel like they are just the financial backer or ATM. 

If there are financial contributions, it would show appreciation and kindness if your families were invited to various aspects of the wedding planning process. For instance, you can invite these individuals to your wedding attire appointments, cake or dessert tastings, and to sample the menu. These events can be predetermined once it has been decided what contributions have been made. This also allows emotions to be set aside and you will be able to plan for these events ahead of time. You may have to discuss this topic many times during the planning process, as things change and costs change throughout the wedding. Keep all conversations open, ongoing, and honest throughout the planning process with all members involved. 

Now, conflict does happen. It can happen even with individuals who do not financially contribute. But, when there is money involved, sometimes senses can be heightened and stress can rise. There may be conflict over money. If there is a negative interaction or conversation with a loved one who is financially contributing, stay calm and advocate for needing a moment to respond. Oftentimes, it is best to step away, even if momentarily, before any heated comments happen. You can say, “I see that we have different ideas or are on different pages, let’s pause this, step away, and discuss it more at another time.” This will allow both parties to mediate their thinking and reflect on what created negative feelings. If conflict does arise, it is best to step out of the moment, think about the other person, and understand their perspective. If there is a struggle with affording an item for the wedding, think about how you can mediate the situation. You can either stick to the budget, or contribute financially yourself. There are ways to meditate and still achieve the wedding of your dreams, without starting off on the wrong foot. In the end work on creating an agreement and/or decision that is satisfying for everyone. You don’t have to succumb to everything your mom or in-laws want, but you do have to come to an agreement that works for everyone. 

Navigating money is already tricky, let alone family members’ opinions and budgeting for one of the biggest events of your life. As you begin your planning process, sit down and have a face-to-face conversation with your parents and future in-laws. Set forth on a positive note and determine the contributions from the start. Plan on navigating conflict respectfully and creating mutual agreements. Don’t be afraid to be honest, but remain respectful in each and every disagreement. Last, be appreciative of any and all monetary contributions that are made to your wedding. You have many people that love you and wish you all the best. Appreciating the support of those around you will go a long way. 

Lori Losee is the owner of Elegant Affairs, a Tacoma Wedding Planner with over 18 years of experience. We create awe-inspiring experiences—Events filled with meaning and refined elegance. Behind the scenes, our experienced team collaborates on each stage of the process, executing your vision and a wedding, celebration, or corporate event that is unique to you.